Ophelia and Lady J crews

I am trying to get one crew from each faction painted so that I can run some demos with a few options. First out the gate: Lady Justice and Ophelia. I actually started the Lady Justice crew ages ago and finally got them done (it's been a busy couple of years). Ophelia's crew got finished in record time (for me) at just about two weeks. Lucius and Guild Guard are nearly done, and I've started Rasputina. After that, moving on to Collodi and then Seamus. And finishing off Puppet Wars somewhere in between.

Pics are posted on their own page - Finished Crews, so that they aren't clogging up the main page.

My First Real Malifaux Game

So, this past Monday, I finally played my first game of Malifaux against an actual person. It went pretty well, I think, if a bit slow (which was totally my fault). I got creamed, but that is to be expected, and I don't tend to care much about winning anyway, so it was all good. There were a few things my opponent did that really helped me get a handle on what was going on, so I wanted to point them out here.

I have already mentioned that I work in education, so I am aware that people learn best in many different ways. For me, I cannot learn by reading alone. I have read the rules manual numerous times, and it just doesn't click. I learn best by repetition and by writing. For my classes, I need to recopy my notes and problem sets several times over the course of the semester, else it won't stick.

My opponent talked through everything that was going on, before he drew cards he would state what he needed to make the ability work. This was invaluable to me. By the end of the game, I felt like I had a vague understanding of what was going on. We didn't play a particularly sophisticated game, just a shared strategy and no schemes, which was good, because I can't handle too much information all at once, I lose focus (because ADHD).

I need to get used to the noise of a game store at night. I don't care for loud, busy environments in general. So, it was difficult for me to concentrate (probably due to this, I forgot my opponent's name, as well as the name of the person who introduced himself while we were setting up, so I apologize for that - I am pretty bad with names in general).

My plan this weekend is to go through the rules manual and the cards for my starter crew (Lady J is what I think I will concentrate on for now) and write down relevant information. Then reorganize and rewrite. We have another game set for Monday, so hopefully I can have enough of a clue at that point to not spend hours looking at my cards each activation.

On a related note, several people have expressed interest in the game, so things are looking up at the local level (the scene here was pretty dead when I started this - deader than a twice resurrected guild autopsy (could not resist)). If you are in Austin and looking to play Malifaux, feel free to contact me through this blog, the Wyrd forum, or centexwar (my user name is pretty much the same in all 3) and I will let you know where we're at.

Dice, Decks, Doors, and Math Part 2

The word distribution is bandied about a lot, and it is not always clear what is intended by its use. When we are talking about probability distribution, we are looking at the likelihood of a number of outcomes for a certain experiment (the set of all possible outcomes is called the sample set). Distribution is also used in statistics to describe the shape of data, often in a graph. Most people are familiar with the normal distribution (bell curve) and skewed distributions, which have a “tail”. There is also the uniform distribution, which is what I will be focusing on when I start talking about dice, at first. It is important to note, there is a statistical theorem, the law of large numbers, which states that after a large number of experiments are performed, the outcome should be close to what was expected according to the theoretical probability. There are many misunderstandings regarding this application of statistics. One that I have seen come up often is the expectation that previous outcomes have an effect on future outcomes in independent events. I will discuss this in the dice section. Note, I tend to use experiment and event interchangeably, and this is not entirely appropriate. An event is defined as a subset of the sample space, but event is a lot easier to read and write than experiment. It shouldn’t be too confusing I hope.

Understanding the difference between independent and dependent events is essential to being able to properly apply probabilities in a gaming environment. Two events are independent if the outcome of the first does not affect the outcome of the second. An event is dependent on another if the outcome of the first experiment affects the conditions of the second. In general, when we are looking at dice, we are considering independent events. When we are drawing from a deck of cards, without replacing cards drawn, we will be talking about dependent events. In either case, the probabilities of all possible outcomes should add up to one (we express probability as a ratio of number of events/size of sample space).

Basic Scenarios with Dice

Dice are pretty easy to talk about with regard to probability, largely due to the fact that we are considering independent experiments. Here I will refer to six-sided dice, but the methods can be applied to other types. Say we are rolling one die. The probability of rolling any of the six numbers is 1/6. What if we roll one die and get a 4. What is the probability of getting a 4 if we roll a second die?  Well, it is still 1/6. If we are rolling two dice, the probability of rolling two 4’s is 1/36. So many people assume that the chance of rolling the second 4 is somehow lessened. IT IS NOT! This is one of the most common misconceptions I have seen. If we continued rolling a (fair) die many, many times, it will be the case that the number of 4’s rolled/total rolls will approach 1/6, but the die does not care what you just rolled.

Say you are rolling 5 different colored dice. There are 7776 unique outcomes, with respect to the color of the dice and the numbers given. However, since what we usually care about is simply how many x’s are rolled, many of these outcomes are in effect the same. How did I arrive at 7776? Imagine that you write five blanks on a page to record each roll. There are 6 possible outcomes for each die; we multiply these together (6*6*6*6*6 or 6^5). If anyone asks, I can post a diagram to give a better idea of why (or you can look it up).

In a lot of games, we are not concerned with one specific number, rather we want to know how many of a certain number or greater we can expect. This is easy – we just take the probability of rolling the least number we want (say we want 3 or better, then there are 4/6 outcomes that will work) and multiply it by the total number of dice rolled. Note, this is just an expected outcome based on the probability – it is possible to roll all 1’s and 2’s, just less likely. So this method works for the purpose of estimation, but it is not entirely accurate mathematically. I will write about this idea again with more detail, specifically the notion of using a subtractive method to gain a better idea of the actual theoretical probability distribution.

Another situation that comes up in wargames is when two dice are rolled and we want a certain total (or better). Assume we use two different colored dice. The sample space is the same as the previous examples, where we want a certain number, but the way we calculate the probabilities is different because we are asking a different question. There are still 36 possible arrangements, but with this question a red 3 and black 5 is the same result as a red 5 and a black 3 is the same result as a red 4 and a black 4, because they all sum to 8. The possibilities for the sums range from 2 to 12, with 1/36 the probability of rolling a total of 2 or 12, while a sum of 7 is most likely as it occurs in 6/36 arrangements. But trying to estimate based only on what one number is most likely is not terribly accurate. A 7 total is only slightly more probable than 6 or 8. And there is a 5/6 probability of not rolling 7. Which again, leads to a topic worthy of further discussion, the most likely range of outcomes.

I’m not going into great detail here, and it is easier to see what is going on with a diagram (maybe I can work on that in future). But the important lesson here is, in independent probability your next roll absolutely does not influence your next. Period. Never.

Cards Are Different, Usually

If we want to draw a card from a deck of 54, then put it back in the deck and draw again, then we are talking independent probability still. However, this is not how we tend to use cards. Recall with the dice, if we rolled 5 different colored dice, there were 6*6*6*6*6 possible arrangements, many of which were essentially the same. If we draw 5 cards from a deck, without replacement, then there are 54*53*52*51*50 possible arrangements, for just the first 5 cards drawn. If we want to know the total possible arrangements in a deck of 54, it is 54! (! is read factorial). The reason for this is there are 54 possibilities for the first draw. Once we have drawn a card, it is removed, so the next draw has 53 possibilities, and so on, until we come to the last card. If we know the first 53 draws, we can be certain that there is only one specific card left. By the way, 54! is a really huge number. This is one of the things that makes talking about probability with cards so much more difficult – what we might draw next depends a great deal on what has already drawn. And the enormous number of possible arrangements makes it very difficult to calculate on the fly.

We can rather easily calculate the probabilities of getting a certain type of hand at the initial draw, but to talk about the possibilities for gameplay in general, it is near impossible, as so much depends on what cards have been drawn, played, are being held, etc. What is possible, if you are any good at card counting, is to estimate the possibility of drawing a certain card that you know has not been drawn yet.

The intial draw: How many different 6 card hands are there given a deck of 54 cards? Well earlier I said there would be 54*53*52*51*50*49. But this is not exactly the answer to the question. This is the number of arrangements, where order matters. In our hand, we generally don’t care in what order cards are drawn. So, given 6 cards, there are 6! (6*5*4*3*2*1) different arrangements, so we want to divide out this number. The way we write this mathematically would be 54!/(48!6!).

What if you are in game and you have drawn half the cards (27). You know for a fact that you have not drawn the Little (Red) Joker – I use big and little joker because I’ve played spades a lot, and in Malifaux Black trumps Red. For those who play Malifaux, you should be familiar with the red and black joker. There is a 1/27 chance that the next card drawn will be the Red Joker. As your remaining deck dwindles, if you have still not drawn it, the chance of doing so will increase. What if you want to know the possibility that it will be among the next three cards drawn? Well, that would be 3/27. There is also a 3/27 chance that it will be one of the last three cards, or any three cards of those remaining.

That is as far as I am willing to go with the card probabilities at the moment. Because it is entirely situational. Remember that there are 54! different arrangements? Well, let me know when you’ve played that many games. And note, it is far more likely if you could play that many games (you can’t by the way) that you would have had the exact same arrangement twice or more, rather than having each arrangement exactly once.

The main point here: the more cards drawn during the turn, the more cards you are likely to see (shocking!). And as your draw pile gets lower, the probability increases that a certain card will come up. In a game like Malifaux, looking at probabilities is further complicated by the fact that different masters and minions have different card requirements (and that sometimes you want “good” cards and other times you don’t), which influences the percentage of your deck that is desirable (or not). I will try to go into more detail on much of this in future.

Dice, Decks, Doors and Math - Part 1

Warning – this post will be long, and probably quite pedantic. Also, I assume most of you can google, so I won’t be posting links to anything, as I feel you should look for it on your own, perhaps finding other things that you find instructive or interesting on the topic. And, this is not my best writing. I chose clarity over elegance (okay, I was just being lazy).

I had intended this post to be in one piece, but I don’t have time to finish it today, and I had promised to get it posted. So I’m going to slap a Part 1 on it and come back to it in a day or two. Sorry to those of you who have been on pins and needles awaiting this exposition.

Background on Me:        

I have both Bachelors’ and Master’s degrees in Mathematics, and am working on a PhD in Mathematics Education. I have only recently begun to identify myself as a mathematician, but I don’t consider myself a very good one. But that is because I compare myself to others who are much more knowledgeable and capable than I. In relation to the general population, I know a great deal more about mathematics than at least 90%, probably more like 95%. I’m not saying this to brag, but it is important to note, because the way non-mathematicians understand and use mathematics can be quite different from those who have had more training and experience in the subject. I also teach mathematics, currently at the introductory college level, but I did teach high school for one year (and then ran like hell). So, a lot of my assumptions about the general level of mathematical knowledge is based on what I see in my classroom, which may not reflect the composition of the overall population, or the gamer subpopulation in particular.

Background on Mathematics:    

There seems to be a large misconception about what mathematics is, and how it is applied. I don’t offer quotes much, but this is one of my favorites “As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.” (Albert Einstein) Mathematics is an axiomatic system – which means there are a basic set of assumptions (axioms) upon which the body of theorems are built. There are also definitions, which are used in building theory, and these definitions must be precisely stated and applied. Many people have the belief that mathematics is always black and white, right or wrong. This is not the case. There are many areas of mathematics where disagreement can occur, often stemming from the basic axioms and definitions. What is true, and this is the focus of much higher order mathematics, is that once a theorem is proven correctly, it must be universally accepted, but with the caveat that it is only as good as the axioms and definitions upon which it rests.

Background on Statistics:

It is not unanimously accepted that statistics is a subgenre of mathematics. I have read several articles discussing this issue, and my opinion on this is not definitive, but statistics is as much about interpretation as calculation. Stealing from a statistics professor I know, statistics is the study of variation. There are a number of statistical terms that are also words in the general lexicon, but the statistical meaning can be quite different than the commonly understood definition. My point here is, people use the terms of statistics in a manner that is not always correct or, more importantly, precise. Precision of language is of the utmost importance in mathematics!

Background on this Post:

I have noticed on forums, that probability theory is not always correctly applied or calculated. Furthermore, there seems to be a lack of understanding of the different kinds of probability and a misuse of statistical terms. I’m not calling anybody dumb, but it inspired me to write this post as a means of describing some of the ideas behind probability theory and explain some of the mathematics involved in making calculations. I will also offer my opinion on the feasibility and usefulness of applying probability within the context of gaming. I’m assuming a level of mathematical knowledge that has Algebra as a background, but I will try to be as clear as possible for people that haven’t seen this before.

Famous Problems in Probability

Perhaps the most well-known probability problem is the Monty Hall problem. This is based on the television show “Let’s Make a Deal”, where a contestant is given the choice of three doors.  Behind one door is a prize, behind the other two is sometimes a goat (I haven’t seen the show in many, many years). I will refer to the prize as good and the other two as bad. So, given three options, the contestant chooses one. The host will subsequently reveal one of the remaining two doors, which is always going to be bad, as in no prize.  This is important. There is a 1/3 chance that the contestant has the prize, while a 2/3 chance that the host does. There is a 100% certainty that the host has at least one door with no prize. When looking at a deck of cards, probability can be reassessed based on information that is revealed. In the Monty Hall problem, no information is revealed. The host will always have a door with no prize to reveal. After the reveal, the contestant is given the option of trading their door with the one the host still has not revealed. Probability is in favor of the host holding the prize, so according to the probabilities, the contestant should always trade.  This is a contentious problem, and some very well-educated people still can’t agree with this conclusion. It took me a while to come to terms with it. It is natural to say that there is an equal chance that the contestant or host holds the prize, 1/2. This is not however the case, the initial probabilities still apply. As I stated, the important thing is that no information is revealed in this case. Information will be key to later arguments.

For those not convinced of the truth behind the Monty Hall problem, I offer an alternate scenario. Say there are 20 doors. The contestant chooses one, so they have a 5% (1/20) chance of holding the prize, while the host has 95% (19/20). If the host reveals 18 doors with no prize behind them, would you still feel the contestant has a 50% chance of winning?

 

Faux Pas

Another not gaming related, but short, post. This is an example of the sort of thing that goes through my mind in relation to the social anxiety problem. I'll post more on this at some point, but wanted to take a break from more personal stuff.

The other day, I had made a post and ended it with something to the effect of "Perhaps this whole thing is just a type of ego masturbation, but at least I have the balls to admit it.

Don't go looking for it, because it's not there. It's not that I felt too much was revealed, or that my crudeness would be a turn-off for you readers, which it might but sometimes I need to be crude to make the point.

I took it down because it occurred to me that other people, and other bloggers in particular, might read it and think I was trying to be an asshole towards them. Well, I guess I was being an asshole, but that was entirely pointed at me, not anybody else. But I freaked out after a bit as it occurred to me somebody might feel it was directed at them. I'm still freaking out about it.

***The thing is, I know a lot of the reactions I feel are probably irrational. I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty sure that most people don't spend hours replaying a perceived social misstep or phrase that *may* have been taken in the wrong way. And more than likely wasn't. This is why I say social situations can be exhausting, because the post analysis is constant and I don't know how to turn it off. I'm trying to learn.***

So, not to go into detail, but this happens often, pretty much anytime I extend myself a little and reveal some sliver of my true thoughts, my internal monologue. Anyway, I just wanted to apologize if anyone took offense.

The second part of it, was actually sort of me congratulating myself. Because posting like this feels like a tremendous risk. Go back and read the first post. Yes, it was somewhat humorous (maybe), but that kind of is a snapshot of how I feel, not all the time, but often enough. And yet I'm still doing it, which is a tremendous accomplishment even though there's really nothing worthwhile here.

Also, I promised a post on math and gaming, but I want it to be well done so am taking my time with it. I hope to get it up by Sunday.

About Malifaux

Okay, so since it is possible that a few people make their way here from a non-Malifaux site, and perhaps have no idea what the game is about and why it's so cool, I'll post up a few thoughts. Any of you Malifaux people who are here, this should be nothing new, but feel free to add a comment if I missed something important.

The official line is that it is a character-driven skirmish game. What it means, to me at least, is that the stories are an integral part of the game design. Yes, there is some debate on whether the rules may be too beholden to the fluff, but for my part, I'm all for it.

[An aside, one of the reasons why I chose to collect Eldar back in 1993 was their story, with their technology and their fancy clubwear.]

Anyway, there are seven factions in Malifaux that each have their own idiosyncracies. Within each faction, there are about six masters. Probably half of the available models are either unique characters or rare types. A big difference between Malifaux and other games is you probably don't want a whole bunch of models of the same type. Most of the non-unique models have at most 3 different sculpts and, with a few exceptions, this is probably all you would want. My point with that blurb is, if painting is an important part of the hobby for you, this game gives you a chance to put together a really nice crew without having to paint the same model 100 times over.

Instead of dice, duels and such are made using a deck of cards. Some strange debates with even stranger mathematics go on about this. I try to stay out of those, which may seem odd since I'm a mathematician, but I try to steer clear of OPM (other people's math). The point with the deck is, yes there is a lot of random, but there is also a certain amount of control, or resource management as the folks at Wyrd like to say, involved in the gameplay.

Another interesting attribute is that winning revolves entirely around accomplishing the most points from a shared mission and two individually selected schemes. So there may be games where you can win without killing anything, or even more hilarious, games that you win when your entire crew is dead.

I moved away from where I started, so let me go back to the characters and the story. Quite a bit of background preceded the game, and so if you want to get a feel for the sort of characters and environment of Malifaux, you can download the Chronicles online mag and see for yourself. Also, I believe the fluff from the version 1 rulebooks is also available now in electronic form. Like I said, this is what drew me into the game. Plus undead hookers.

I probably sound like a total "fanboy" (future topic there) and Wyrd shill, but whatever. I'm not doing it justice. One last thing to note, the cost of entry for Malifaux is pretty low. Now if you're a completionist collector/addict like me, maybe not so much. In general though, for about $100 (that's full retail) you can pick up enough models to give you a single master force that allows for a bit of variation, an extra set of minions, a mini rulebook, and a deck. Depending on the master you choose, that could be pretty much all you need.

That's just my blurb - if it sounds interesting, then you should go to the official site and poke around. Especially because I've not been a very good writer for the last few days, don't know what's up with that but this is nothing like my usual writing style. It's kind of (totally) annoying me.

So why am I sounding like some kind Malifaux corner-pusher? Well, I figure if you got here from the local forum where I post, you should know that I think Malifaux is the best minis game I've played. So, I wanted to give you  a little background to pique your interest, and state that you should contact me on the forum, because really the worst that could come out of it is you lose a couple hours of your time. And you're already wasting some of it reading my crap, so I know you've got at least a little to spare. At best, this could be your new favorite game. And despite all the crazy stuff in the first few posts, I'm really not that bad.

**Updated to be more consistent with version 2 Malifaux

Evolution of a Mediocre Painter, the first

Moving on to more light-hearted and game-related things. I decided to post a series about the development of my painting skills for a couple of reasons. The first is because I want to really examine how I have become a (somewhat) better painter, mainly so I can stop giving myself such a hard time. I think I am now getting a reasonably consistent tabletop quality, and I think I am fine with that. If I have a really special model, well it's probably sitting way at the back of my painting queue, waiting for a moment when I have sufficient time and  skills to do it justice. But since I have hoarding tendencies when it comes to models, I have such a backlog of what I want to get done and so little time that I am okay with doing acceptable but not awesome work. I have probably reached my apex at mediocre for now.

So I am posting my really old, really, really bad stuff in part to make myself feel pretty good about where I am now. I also hope it will make some of you feel better about your own skills. I can't offer much in the way of advice if you want to produce display quality work, but later on I will give some explanation of what I do now, in case you find it acceptable enough and, like me, get really freaked out when good painters try telling you what you should be doing. They're right, by the way, and I'm just lazy and sloppy. As I post some of this old crap, I can also offer some very good advice on what not to do. And make (hopefully) comedic observations.

So first up, I present a Blood Angels squad, with some really old style Scouts. This may not be the first thing I painted, but was probably near there. I'm thinking around 1993-1994 when I painted it. BTW, I am a lazy photographer generally. In future, I will try taking better photos, but no promises.

Do I really need to add any funny commentary?

The scouts left this photo shoot to audition for a Twisted Sister cover band (thankfully, they left their wigs in the car).

And for those who didn't know, it used to be that your rank as a space marine was determined by the poofiness of your sleeves. Really poofy = cleaning latrines and almost certain death.

Subtitle for this thread "When varnish attacks"

I think the Sergeant was on his way to a Christmas party so he decked himself out in a mistletoe wreath.

Lessons to take away from this:

When people tell you to thin your paint do it. Don't use the .50 craft store kind straight from the bottle and try to get everything done in one coat.

When it comes to varnish, matte is your friend. And don't hold the can half an inch away from the models.

Don't use the "flock" that is really dyed sawdust. If you really feel you must, cover it in glue. A lot of glue. Otherwise, it will keep showing up in your model cases forever. And yeah, I suck at basing. Thankfully, there are now lots of people who make nice resin ones.

I can't paint faces. Sadly, in this I have not really improved.

That's all for now.

Why Now? After this, no more sap

I was trying to decide whether this post was really even relevant . I have decided not. So, short version, one of my favorite pasttimes (browsing a certain forum) was being ruined by awful personalities and it made me mad. Then, I realized, well it's not like I'm contributing anything to counteract all the negative bullshit. Then I was mad at myself. As stated a few posts back, in retrospect, it occurred to me that I was in an altered mood state, more than likely. My plan had been to start getting to Malifaux night at the LGS after spring semester ended (I'd been to busy and had a schedule conflict). So, I actually get geared up to go meet people, only to find it has been dropped from the schedule due to low turnout. Which means finding someone to play a game with would require a bit more effort than just showing up somewhere at a certain time.

Here's the thing that just occurred to me: I'm the type of person who is either all in or out. I don't really move at half-speed. And I think I went a little overboard in my excitement and started making plans that were a bit too ambitious. I've contacted my LGS to see about scheduling a demo or two. Which means I'll be sitting around, at a table, either by myself or talking to strangers, both of which hold their own sort of terror. I've contacted a few people, sort of heard back from one, but it's been about a week since last contact (mine). Posted on a few other local forums, waiting there too. Eh, we'll see.

Anyway, I'm not really sure at this point why this thing got all confessional. I guess a lot of crap was bothering me. But I'm going to put a button on that and just keep it light from here on in, which may be a little bit of a fake, but oh well. I think I've been a little too honest. I'm still considering whether or not I should delete a few of these posts, but haven't decided yet.

Next post will be first in a series, Evolution of a Mediocre Painter where we get to look at photos of really old, horribly painted models. If you don't think you are a very good painter, prepare to be feel better about yourself in comparison.

I keep saying this might be a bad idea. Maybe it is a stupid, pointless idea. I see a few possibilities. Success (I learn to interact with people without needing a week to recover from the terror and exhaustion, I get a few games in, I get a few people to start playing Malifaux around here). Or, nothing changes. Or, I make an idiot of myself and retreat, again, again, into my cave, stigmatized and less likely to venture out again anytime soon.

Why This? Actually Gaming Related!

So I think have mentioned this blog being part of a project, an experiment of sorts. With me as the subject. If successful, anybody who has been watching this will have been witness to an evolution.

The gaming hobby entered my life in 1993. Aside from reading, it has been an important hobby to me for longer than any other. I may do a more detailed post on that at some point in the future, but it provides some necessary background.

Socially awkward is kind of a misrepresentation, or at least, it does not really convey the severity of my social interaction deficit. My social skills, by the way, are excellent if you are basing judgement on outward appearances. It's the internal monologue that's the bitch. That's another subject I want to explore further, at another time.

Why What? Well, due to a confluence of events (which will be detailed to some extent in the next post Why Now?) I have decided that now is the right time to try and overcome some of my isolationist tendencies.

Of course, if you're going to try to become more social, a venue is required in which to interact with other actual human beings. It only makes sense a reason to get out of the house will need to be something I enjoy. I have a few hobbies, mostly quite solitary pursuits. But gaming.....

I collect and paint miniatures. I have spent some time playing these games, but probably in truth, far less than what is required to actually label myself a gamer. Usually I prefer the term hobbyist, as it is more accurate. But I always have the intention of actually getting out to meet people who share this interest. I'm just to scared to do it. Meeting new people terrifies me. So I put things off, always intending one day, tomorrow, next week.

And I browse forums. A lot. Too often. And by browse I mean lurk. In the last few days I have been actually posting. It may not seem like such a big deal to most, adding one's thoughts in a mostly anonymous public space. To me it is, but I was in an expansive mood and it was pretty easy for a few days. Though I have to admit, I was being rather obsessive about checking what comments others may have left in response to things I said. Yeah, I have a lot of issues.

I think I've lost my train of thought at this point, so I'm just going to go ahead and post this. In summary, why gaming? Because I like it, I've always considered this one facet of the stone that is my persona, public or private, and if now is the time, then this is as good an arena as any for me. Let's see if I can make this work.

Preamble

**I decided to remove this post.  Too much unnecessary information.

****And now I am adding it back.


This post is not exactly what I had planned. I had planned to say "I think I've been having some hypomania for the last few days". I'm not going to go into details or add links here, because: Wikipedia. Then I was going to say that I know it won't last.

Now I have to say, I'm sure it was, and I've been crashing down since about 2 hours ago.

A little mania can actually be quite productive for me. Except I've had about 12 hours sleep in the last 5 days, but I'm not tired. And now I've got a bitchin headache.

Most people probably aren't familiar with the feeling of going from an elevated state and then the rapid falling down that happens as it is ending. I can't really think of anything to properly compare it to. One moment you're happy, full of life, unfettered by the cares and concerns of life lived in the shadow of doubt and distrust. And then you wake up, but not necessarily to reality, just the opposite end of freedom. Tired, self-recriminating, and so very alone.

I wasn't going to post all this, not now. But I've decided that since I started this project, I need to stick with it. I knew this was going to happen though. I was hoping it would hold off for a little while longer.

Anyway, since I'm already going into details I was going to leave out, I may as well fill in a few more. I have been diagnosed with: ADHD, Social Anxiety/Generalized Anxiety Disorders, and Bipolar Disorder NOS (this last one, basically means, well I don't really know. Type 1 means primarily manic, Type 2 is predominant depression, NOS - not otherwise specified - is just where you go when your crazy is just a bit too crazy to obligingly fit inside a nice little box.)

My social anxiety was supposed to be the topic of this blog project. My hope was to document the daily progress I was making in an experiment to come to grips with it, while talking about gaming stuff, and my quest for building up a local Malifaux community, one that I would be a part of.

Right now I'm feeling like this was all a really bad idea. But that was kind of the point. I needed to get this out in public, even though I am pretty sure there's not really anyone reading this, but terrified at the thought that someone is. Because now I'm stuck with it. I'm stuck with this goal I've set for myself. I don't like publicly saying I will do something and then not do it. This project is the best opportunity I have given myself in years.


**Originally this blog had the rather unwieldy title of sociallyawkwardgamerlady. After letting it die pretty quickly, I decided I wanted to revisit the goal of having a place to post the random things about the hobby that I enjoy, or the parts that annoy me, as well as write more about probability, mathematics, and a few philosophical issues. And maybe whine a bit when my mood disorder is kicking my ass. I think the title change reflects that intent more, and it is a lot easier to say ten times fast.

First Post

Woohoo, first blog post. Wait, I have no idea what I'm doing. People might judge me. I have nothing to say. I'm going to look stupid. I am stupid. Oh crap, I need to find a dark hole to crawl into.