What is dead may never die

Kind of apropos to reboot this blog during season 5 premiere week.

So, yeah.... so much for using this as an outlet to document my progression from "too scared to go up and talk to people I don't already know" to "god, why won't she shut up already". Basically, doctoral coursework in mathematics is hard. Being bipolar makes things even more interesting. So, things fell apart. Not just in terms of this blog. When I decide it is time for a change in my life, I don't tend to just walk away. I burn what's behind me to the ground. Not at all a productive adaptation, but it is what it is.

Changed the name, as I really have been thinking a lot lately on probability and game theory, tournament design, and the psychology of gamers (and myself, but I can never escape that). And this just flows better. The dice and decks part should be obvious. As well as the play on TicTacToe. Death, well wargaming involves a lot of pseudo-death. And being crazy means always walking under the shadow to some extent.

So since this was just sitting in a corner getting moldy, it seemed easier to do some spring cleaning rather than start a whole new thing. Plus, I read back over the old posts and I am feeling right proud of some of the prose I had written, though also a bit bemused at what I seemed to care about at that time.

Most importantly, however, right now I need a space where I can talk about my moods on occasion, not necessarily to the world at large, but to the people whom I interact with regularly in the hobby. Several times in the last few days I have sent personal apologies because I was a little manic the last few weeks. And it is always embarrassing to realize your behavior was somewhat out of whack. Or maybe I am the only one who notices. It gnaws at me regardless.

But I recognize that it seems odd that a person would disclose personal information, unsolicited. Addressing that is kind of the main point of this entire post. Because if a person had a back problem and said "I need to just lay on the couch for a few days until I heal" few people would give such disclosure a second thought. But the invisible, psychological, medical problems are still considered, by many, topics that should be hidden. TMI.

Back when I started this blog, I decided I was done trying to put on the impenetrable façade all the time. It was too exhausting, too isolating, and most of all, it was a habit born of fear. And for myself, I needed to be brutally honest and realize that massive walls don't make you strong. So I have made an effort to be as honest as possible about my illness. Because somebody has to, if the stigma is ever going to be reduced. Because it is better to have an explanation for odd behavior than just being labeled a weirdo. Because crazy is just one small, inseverable piece of me and if people have an issue with it, or with me being so candid about it, then obviously there is no friendship there in the first place. At least I am certain I am not boring.

And none of that previous paragraph is directed at anyone I know. It is more a statement of choosing to advocate for myself, and maybe some others in the mix. Really though, it is just the result of a long (lifelong), tortuous exercise in learning not to be afraid. Of learning to let the mask fall. Trying to hide would be a huge fall backwards. Because I wasted too much time there already, and I know that only leads to more pain and decay.

So, this is just me reiterating some truth. And leaving it out here so I can quit feeling anxious about how people react to it. So I can put this link back in my signature, and just own it.

And really, truly - this should be the last deeply personal post for a long while. Because I have been researching some awesome tournament/ranking design theory that I can't wait to write about. And so many probability topics that I think are fascinating in their complexity. And I have actually gotten to a point where I am often quite happy with my painting, enough that I want to share. So there are lots more interesting things to write about. Will try to make it at least once a week.

And thank you to my friends for putting up with me the last few years, and making me feel welcome. It has been a novel and happy experience.