This is just filling space to remind me of what I want to write when I have time. Will complete the post in a couple of days. Despite the title, it has nothing to do with painting, or even any general complaint on tournaments. Just a personal thought on what these are/mean/do to me. Probably not what anyone would expect, and near zero relation to any internet trips on the subject.
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So, finally have a minute to get some thoughts down on this. And some mental space.
The following thoughts have nothing to do with whether tournaments are good or bad, the validity of WAAC vs. Have Fun, Be Merry mindsets, or any of that. So why bother? Eh, same as the answer for the rest of the stuff here: this blog offers me a space to get stuff out of my head, to talk about crap that doesn't come up in general polite conversation, an intellectual exercise and writing practice, a reason to be honest and unfiltered, since I presume no particular audience I don't have to worry about being considerate of anyone's feelings or opinions.
Tournaments have generally been things I prefer to avoid. However, there seems to be a general sentiment that if you aren't participating in them, then you don't get to have an opinion on how such things are run; and I have opinions (that run toward the pedantic) but I agree they should be informed. Also, avoidance without cause can be a sort of weakness. So every so often I need to test the waters. However, I am finding that each experience only tends to add further weight in favor of these things just not being any fun for me.
1 - The Physical Environment.
A - Lots of people, many of whom I don't know very well. For anyone with any degree of social/general anxiety, this is uncomfortable at best. What others maybe don't realize is that it is also exhausting. Basically, my brain is set on high alert, monitoring every word and gesture and measuring it against a self-imposed scale balanced on perfection. So, brain is recording and replaying every aspect of every interaction, ceaselessly. Brains need rest, but in that environment, there is none. But aren't all brains doing this all the time? Sort of. It is a matter of intensity. As an experiment, sit down with a timer and a list of two or three digit numbers, then test yourself at adding as many as you can in say a two-minute period. Then take note of how you feel once the timer goes off. For normal people, this is the mental exercise equivalent of running a quarter mile at top speed. And this is the pace my brain is running at nonstop in this sort of environment until such time as I can finally find a nice quiet corner to crawl into.
B - Noise. There is the added problem of not being able to filter out extraneous stimuli. So in addition to monitoring what is going on with the person across the table, brain is also picking up on every conversation in earshot, all movement happening anywhere inside of the periphery of vision, on top of the general din of dozens of voices outside the immediate vicinity. And brain doesn't just dismiss all this nonsense; brain tries to process all this information as well.
Add A & B together, along with the general problem of trying to access long-term memory to recall rules, and executive function to make decisions, and it feels like every area of my brain is having to run at a sprint for hours on end. It literally takes days for me to recover from being in such an environment. Plus, there is the added fun of all this overstimulation triggering panic attacks. Double yeah.
2 - Lack of Reward Response
Normal brains like to give you bonuses for doing things well, so for most people, winning is accompanied by a nice shot happy feelgood. Dopamine plays a role in this reward processing, but people who study this don't claim to have it figured out, partly because dopamine also plays a role in negative side effects related to PTSD and other not fun brain stuff. So I am not trying to explain why my brain doesn't give me a high five when something goes well - all I know is it doesn't a lot of the time. Whether winning a game or getting an A on a test, my brain usually just shrugs. Actually, my brain tends to look for reasons why I shouldn't start feeling too proud of myself.
Coupling 1 & 2, the tournament environment for me essentially presents me a no-win scenario: stress on steroids with next to nothing in the way of happy fun brain rewards.
So how is this different than relaxed, casual games? Well, the environment is different. I can relax when I am around people I know and like. People who play games with me may notice I prefer to find tables away from the crowd and during times when there are fewer people around. And the fact that I still don't receive much pleasant stimulation from winning doesn't matter, because I do get happy brain stuff from laughter, which is why the people I like playing with are those who I can laugh with, regardless of what is happening on the table.
Point being, I think I have about reached the end of experiments in tournament environments part 3. Moving one step closer to deciding that it just isn't fun for me and not the sort of thing I should expend energy on. Which is by no means a conclusive decision - I have always been the kid who had to experience the fact that fire burns to actually believe it. Plus a few extra trials just to verify results, then a refresher down the road. For the moment, I am feeling pretty confident that it isn't just an off the cuff avoidance reaction.
