**I decided to remove this post. Too much unnecessary information.
****And now I am adding it back.
This post is not exactly what I had planned. I had planned to say "I
think I've been having some hypomania for the last few days". I'm not
going to go into details or add links here, because: Wikipedia. Then I was
going to say that I know it won't last.
Now I have to say, I'm sure it was, and I've been crashing down since about
2 hours ago.
A little mania can actually be quite productive for me.
Except I've had about 12 hours sleep in the last 5 days, but I'm not tired. And
now I've got a bitchin headache.
Most people probably aren't familiar with the feeling of going from an
elevated state and then the rapid falling down that happens as it is ending. I
can't really think of anything to properly compare it to. One moment you're happy, full of life, unfettered by the cares and concerns of life lived in the shadow of doubt and distrust. And then you wake up, but not necessarily to reality, just the opposite end of freedom. Tired, self-recriminating, and so very alone.
I wasn't going to post all this, not now. But I've decided that since I
started this project, I need to stick with it. I knew this was going to happen
though. I was hoping it would hold off for a little while longer.
Anyway, since I'm already going into details I was going to leave out, I may
as well fill in a few more. I have been diagnosed with: ADHD, Social
Anxiety/Generalized Anxiety Disorders, and Bipolar Disorder NOS (this last one, basically
means, well I don't really know. Type 1 means primarily manic, Type 2 is predominant depression, NOS - not otherwise specified - is just where you go when your crazy is just a bit too crazy to obligingly fit inside a nice little box.)
My social anxiety was supposed to be the topic of this blog project. My hope was to document the daily progress I was making in an experiment
to come to grips with it, while talking about gaming stuff, and my quest for
building up a local Malifaux community, one that I would be a part of.
Right now I'm feeling like this was all a really bad idea. But that was kind
of the point. I needed to get this out in public, even though I am pretty sure
there's not really anyone reading this, but terrified at the thought that someone is. Because now I'm stuck with it. I'm stuck with this goal I've set for
myself. I don't like publicly saying I will do something and then not do it.
This project is the best opportunity I have given myself in years.
**Originally this blog had the rather unwieldy title of sociallyawkwardgamerlady. After letting it die pretty quickly, I decided I wanted to revisit the goal of having a place to post the random things about the hobby that I enjoy, or the parts that annoy me, as well as write more about probability, mathematics, and a few philosophical issues. And maybe whine a bit when my mood disorder is kicking my ass. I think the title change reflects that intent more, and it is a lot easier to say ten times fast.
Apparently I can relate better than I previously thought. I have been diagnosed with borderline dysphoria, and depression. I have all the markers for cyclothemia, but like you I have never been to the doctor during a high point since they are not problematic. I also have crowd claustrophobia. The more people around me, the more twitchy I get.
ReplyDeleteI think my prolific nature on the Wyrd Forums is similar to your reasons for starting this blog. I pretty much decided I needed to be more proactive in overcoming some of my issues, and in enjoying the hobbies I have. Steady posting and even a blog have been one way of doing this. Don't let the fear and anxieties control your life. I know it's easier said than done, but it helps when you have people supporting you, even if it is a relatively anonymous stranger like myself.
Gabriel
Bruglyother from Wyrd
Thank you. I'll probably be posting more on this stuff later, but I don't want this to be a "I'm trying to work out my crazy" blog, so will be meting it out amongst gaming stuff. My tendency has been to seal myself behind a fortress of counterproductive defense mechanisms, so breaking down those walls will take a lot of time and effort. I've spent enough time skulking around on mental health forums to know I am not alone, but it is really nice to have some more direct contact to really affirm that. Thank you again, so much.
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